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Bisexuality and Dating

Something that occurred to me recently: I am never in a straight relationship, and I am never in a gay relationship, although my partners may be. I am always in a bisexual relationship, regardless of the gender of the person I’m dating. Part of this may be because no matter who I date, my bisexuality and my experiences as a bisexual play a large part in who I am; essentially, if someone dates me they are also dating my bisexual experiences; I do not leave that part of my identity at the door for the sake of simplifying romance. I always have to come out to every person I date, and they have to accept it to date me. Right away this changes the dynamics of what would’ve been a “straight” or a “gay” relationship.

Part of it may be because I identify as genderqueer, and so even if say I am dating a boy and my presentation and preferred pronouns are that of a girl I am still personally identified as genderqueer. Now that doesn’t make the boy gay or bi or whatever by dating me any more than dating him makes me suddenly straight. Because why should I be in a “straight” relationship in dating someone straight when they are not in a “bi” relationship in dating someone bi? The concept simply doesn’t make sense to me, and seems somewhat demoralizing and derogatory to alternative sexualities (though I suppose that is to be expected from our heteronormative and heterosexist society).

Also, I think this idea helps in dispelling the myth that monogamous bisexuals eventually become gay or straight once they choose a partner to settle down with. An analogy I particularly like is that of hair; a straight man might find both girls with brown hair and girls with blonde hair attractive. Should he marry a girl with brown hair he does not stop finding blonde hair attractive; rather, he decided that this particular girl with that particular hair was more attractive than all the other girls, whether or not they had blonde hair or brown. This is similar to my feelings of attraction towards both boys and girls; once I settle down with one, I do not stop liking the other; rather, I just super-duper like the one I settled down with.

Speaking of dispelling myths, the idea that I am always in a bi relationship negates the idea that I can truly experience hetero or homosexual privilege should I so choose. Because I can’t, and I don’t. Yes, I can love people of the opposite gender, but I love them as a bisexual. I am out to them as a bisexual. From that I get bisexual privilege and no other. Yes, I can pretend to be straight “with more ease” than gay people because I truly can romantically, emotionally, and physically love the opposite gender. But I don’t think there really exists a “with more ease” clause- being totally true to oneself feels great. Being not totally true to oneself feels like absolute crap. This is valid regardless of where one lies on the spectrum of truth and untruth; you either have it in its totality or you don’t. I can also technically pretend to be gay “with more ease” than straight people can. But I don’t, nor have I ever, experienced gay privilege. I do not and cannot feel one with the gay community even if they think of me as gay. Because I’m not gay. I don’t “talk” gay, I don’t “act” gay, and I don’t “love” gay, the same way I don’t “talk” straight, “act” straight, or “love” straight. I will look at a couple on tv and state that I wish I could date both of them. I will go through phases in which I find penises revolting and vaginas attractive, masculinity bewitching and femininity repellent, dresses delectable and suits quite unsuitable, and all of these things vice-versa. My sexuality is fluid in a very bisexual way, and this is reflected in the way I interact in everyday life- and nobody’s genitals nor my interaction with them will suddenly convince me otherwise.

I’d love to hear y’alls thoughts! Let me know through replies or inboxes!

Filed under bisexual sexuality sexual date dating romance love couple emotion boyfriend girlfriend partner gender identity genderqueer genderfuck straight gay homosexual heterosexual boy girl relationship alternative theory queer lgbt lgbtq lesbian heteronormative